I grabbed a pillow off the couch and ran out to the back yard. I felt I had no where else to go to escape. I screamed into the pillow – “I hate this. Why me?”
We had just moved in with my mother-in-law after my father-in-law died. She seemed seriously depressed and refused to eat. With a five year old and an infant in tow, we packed up and moved in to her house. What had sounded so good in discussions was now a reality. I was miserable!
My husband was busy with the responsibilities as pastor of a church. He was worried and weary. I felt like I didn’t want to burden him with my feelings. I was angry. This was a dark season in my life. I wish I had known someone like The Hope Lady who could have encouraged me to view these circumstances in a different light.
As I look back on this dark period of my life, I can see that the biggest challenge for me is that I felt stuck. It seemed unfair that I was the one caring for everyone.
Why me?
I didn’t ask for this role of caregiver. It fell to me by default somewhat like the line of potential volunteers where everyone else stepped back and left me standing there as the one who had taken a step forward.
It can seem so unfair —
so random —
so unjust.
It can seem like no one else sees all you do. You may feel unappreciated, frustrated, angry, or having no voice. I did. I felt like I was in a dark tunnel that would never end. All I knew to do was complain about it which only made me feel worse.
I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to choose the following things:
Choose hope every day.
You have a choice to pick up a lens of hope for your current circumstances or a lens of complaints and martyrdom. Hope means that you acknowledge the difficulties and know that God has a plan for it all. He is working in the midst of the difficult times to show you that you can begin to see that difficult person your care for the way God sees them. As you love them you are loving Jesus. He is shaping and molding your life to become all that He has destined you to be. If you need hope inspiration click here: The Power of Hope.
Choose to laugh.
As I remember this dark season of my life, I realize that I stopped laughing. I was so angry that walked around with a heavy heart and a scowl on my face. There are many things that can bring humor into our lives. My mother-in-law stayed in the anger phase of her grief for the rest of her life. With time, I did learn to create an atmosphere where it was okay to laugh and have fun.
Choose to speak up and ask for help.
Part of my difficulties came from a sense of unfairness and self-pity. When I did finally say something I was angry and accusatory. This caused those who could have helped me to put up their defenses. I clammed up and became even angrier with the situation. As I mentioned earlier, I also spent a lot of time complaining, thus hoping that others would jump in to assist me. Instead, they felt sorry for me and commiserated with me. Today, I would speak up and ask specifically for what I need. I have learned to be assertive. We will discuss this further in the next 31 days.
I have taken the plunge to write a blog every day for 31 days about The Power of Hope for Caregivers. During my life, I cared for my mother-in-love, my mother and my husband. These relationships were all different. Caregiving is challenging yet rewarding. I would love to hear from you about your struggles in this area and look forward to praying for you and those you are caring for.
Author, speaker, corporate trainer, ordained minister and Hope Catalyst, Karen Sebastian enjoys sharing her rich life experiences with others – engaging them in adventurous discoveries of the beauty of hope in a dark, cloudy world.
